Parenting Today: I Am Not My Child’s Friend!

“I’m the parent, you’re the child.”

And—

“I am not one of your little friends.”

You know you grew up in the 80s and 90s if your parents said these words to you.

I cannot count the number of times my mother said these exact words to me. We were not equal partners in this parent-child experience. I sure did think I was grown AF. I mean didn’t we all think we were grown though. Now, hearing those same words today at my young age of thirty-five makes me laugh. I think to myself, “I hope I don’t do this someday to my kids.” At least that is what I tell myself. Though, I have caught myself with my cousins or my friends’ kids when they start to misbehave. Auntie Camille does not play, and my friends know this.

There was a clear division of roles in my household, and who had more rights. I was a child; I had no rights. I had no voice. Even at the age of eighteen, twenty-one, and twenty-five I still had no rights. I was still living at home, and my parents paid for my college tuition and my car. We were not friends, they owned me. Even though I had a part-time job, paid my cell phone bill, and my car insurance, I still had no rights. I was still a child in their eyes. Now, that I have done my inner work, looking back, I see the emotional trauma this division caused in my childhood.

But I am also grateful for the discipline and structure I was given. I present well, extremely well, and because of “tough love” I have come this far.

There has been a shift in parenting styles in the last decade or more.

This shift has gone from strict to loose and damn near nonexistent. It’s quite scary, some of these kids today need discipline and guidance. In a technologically advanced society, technology is raising our kids. The saying is true; we live in a society where “kids are raising kids.” Teenage parents and young adults are still learning to be adults. Often its cultural differences or lack of instilled morals and values. This shift in parenting styles is not without warrant. Collectively, as a society, we now have permission to address our childhood trauma. We have created safe spaces for expression, feelings, and vulnerability. We are often told to do better than our parents and do want to do better. With that said, some parents are moving towards the role of a best friend.

So, how do you parent, instill respect, and want to be your child’s best friend all at the same time?

Is it possible?

From what I understand parenting is not easy. It’s a never-ending learning process and with each child comes different lessons. Here are some reasons why parenting styles have shifted.

Mistakes and Understanding

Some parents say they don’t want to make the same mistakes their parents made. Mothers and fathers have become more lenient in certain areas of child-rearing. Parents typically give out rules without any explanation. Today, parents want to provide more understanding to their children as to why they say certain things. It’s no longer simply because I said so. It is more so wanting a child to understand the significance and/or consequences of an action.

Self-Expression and Boundaries

I read a social media post that said, “don’t have kids, if you cannot accept, children will grow into a whole person with their own thoughts, ideologies, sexuality, preferences, beliefs, and values. No child should be forced and conditioned into a mini you or fulfill their parents lost dreams.” It’s true. If you grew up in the 1980s or 1990s, we were always told to shut up. Children were not allowed to express themselves nor use their voices. It was considered disrespectful. As young children, parents encourage their kids to openly communicate. As adolescents and young adults, trying to express oneself more than likely fails. Teenagers are then told to know their place. This is where boundaries should be used so a child can still express themselves respectfully and inquisitively.

Technology and Fear

With all the advancements and changes in today’s society, parents have a lot more to worry about. The shift in parenting style comes into play when parents realize how much control they don’t have. Parents cannot control the flow of information their children have access to. Therefore, they become lenient. This leniency is a result of fear. Parents are fearful that they will lose their children in this “new” society. A society that tells kids they are depressed at seven or eight years old. With that said, it’s harder for some parents to draw the line. However, if we didn’t have an excess amount of online platforms that influence kids today, parents would still be the same way they were twenty years ago.

Parenting and Friendship

Most parents believe they will be their child’s friend when they move out of their house. So, until then children need manners, structure, and accountability. We live in a generation of enablement. Oftentimes parents only do the bare minimum because their lives are just as busy. Some parents believe being friends with their kids is fine. Some parents say they are their child’s friends when they want to play video games or board games. But they are the parent when they say, “game over and time to clean up.” Battles have to be chosen, a parent’s job is to teach and guide their kids to be healthy, happy, and safe. However, the phrase “best friends” should not be used until kids are older. When kids become adults, only then can a parent label their child as their best friend.

At the end of the day, a child is a reflection of their parents. How a parent raises their child represents their morals and values. Parents are responsible for their child’s upbringing at all times. It is their contribution to society so that the next generation can adequately learn and grow.

Camille is a lover of all things skin, curls, music, justice, and wanderlust; oceans and islands are her thing. Her words inspire and her power is her voice. A California native with Trinidadian roots, she has penned personal essays and lifestyle pieces for Medium and xoNecole. Camille is currently creating a life she loves through words, self-love, fitness, travel, and empowerment.

Follow her on social media as @written_by_cam.