Everyone is dating. Some are married and some are engaging in ongoing toxicity. One door closes and others open for new relationships without question. Have you ever stopped to wonder if you’re mentally ready to date? Are you giving yourself the appropriate amount of time to heal? Old and new wounds of love need attention. That attention does not always involve a new companion. But we don’t discuss this when dating.
New dates often go over the famous inquiries of your favorite color, job and hobbies. Some people don’t even lead the courtship by letting the other person know if they are a parent or not! I know, that’s wild to me too. It’s now 2020 and the trending topic is entanglement. I know the online memes were hilarious to most and the focus was on Jada Pinkett. But what about August Alsina?
All jokes aside, I see a hearting and mentally fragile young man who was misled by an older woman. However, many communities of color are not prepared to talk about it though. Similar to R. Kelly’s criminal deviance, Jada, also preyed on the young and weak. This could very well be due to her own upbringing and trauma but nonetheless, an innocent man was led to believe that he was in love and that his love would last forever. I see several women hurting from their unresolved hurt from relationships as well. None of it is right.
As a community we are in need of addressing our hurt and making our healing more acceptable. It shouldn’t be frowned upon if our loved one speaks of therapy. We shouldn’t congratulate a man for “bagging” a fine woman while also leading that same woman into traumatic experiences. We need to openly confront our friends about the choices and stop going along with what appears to be ‘cool’.
If we are ever going to be mentally ready for dating, courtship, marriage and love; we need to address our hurt. We can consider this:
Be alone. It’s ok to be alone. You don’t always need a companion. The desperation of welcoming every “hello” continues to open the door for entanglements. Be ok with your own company and healing.
Ghostbusters. Yes, people may ghost you. It’s inevitable. Some people don’t know how to openly communicate their feelings and you can’t control that. But you can control how you respond to the situation. Let it go and move on. When they come around to hitting you up again, ignore them! Buh-bye.
Seek help. Whether you see a life coach, pastor or certified therapist; it’s ok to talk to someone. Help comes in many forms and often that help has a listening ear with suggestions for guided behavior.
Come together. We need to collectively hold each other accountable. Don’t be that continuous “yes, girl” homegirl that sides with your friend’s ongoing toxic traits. Speak up. Say something. Don’t let it slide. You can still be a supportive friend while calling out your friend on their BS.
Have an open eye. Once you do decide to hit the dating scene after or during healing, ask some serious questions upfront to confront any dilemmas.
- “How do you handle conflict?”
- “Is there anyone that believes that they are dating or entangled with you?”
- “How did your parents resolve conflict?”
- “Are you addressing your past trauma?”
Love is beautiful and magical. Don’t limit your healing to block your own shared experience in love. Do you want to create a legacy of love or hurt? No more entanglements!
Writer, C. Scott, is a mother of one; author, social worker, early literacy interventionist and entrepreneur. Follow her on Instagram as @curls_coils and @mysweettealife.
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