With everything going on in the world, no one needs any unnecessary additional drama in their life. Your relationship should be a place of peace and comfort in a world full of chaos. Unfortunately, that isn’t always the case. Toxic seems to be a word that you hear so often these days. I think that everyone does possess their own toxic traits because we are all human. No one is perfect and no one handles every situation the right way all the time or makes the best decisions. Being self-aware of these traits or habits is the first step in the right direction for you and your relationships. What if this has already affected your relationship though? Letting these habits get wildly out of hand and not taking responsibility can start to take a toll on anybody and any relationship. If you’re willing to take the time to make things right for you and your significant other there are some ways to get it right.
I don’t know if I was the only one who hasn’t heard of this but there is a thing as a drama triangle. Yes, a drama triangle. Psychology majors are probably rolling their eyes right now like where you been. I came across this while watching some YouTube videos on the subject of toxicity and creating healthy relationships. After hearing about this I was very intrigued. This model was created by Dr. Stephen Karpman. It has three points to it. You move around at each point of the triangle at some point or another.
Three points:
Victim– Lives in a world of self-pity and loathing. Feels like the world is against them and doesn’t believe in themselves. We all may know someone like this. Feels like the world is against and doesn’t take accountability for what it happening to them or take action to change it.
Persecutor– Lives to give criticism and tear other people down. Unaware of how those words or actions makes the other person feel. They are very critical and dominating in the relationship. They want to keep the other in a victim mindset. A negative Nancy at its finest.
Rescuer-They have a need to jump in and rescue the other from their situation which provides them a sense of security. They thrive on being with dependent people who they can hone on fixing.
As I was learning each point, at one point in past relationships I have recognized this in myself. Each one sounds more toxic than the next and creates an unhealthy cycle within your relationship. How do you go about getting out of the cycle? Well fear not. You can stop the drama by applying the Empowerment Dynamic.
Instead of being a victim you become a Creator by focusing on problem solving. Instead of wallowing in all the negativity that is happening take action to turn it around. Try to focus on the positive things in your life and what is actually in your control. Acknowledge your role, take accountability and take the proper steps to move forward. Stop blaming your ex, your parents or whoever, do what you need to do to make progress.
Instead of being a persecutor become a Challenger. That means taking the time to listen and understand before passing judgement. This doesn’t mean become an enabler. Still push the other to bet better and to take action for the better. Provide constructive criticism that will help people learn and grow instead of tearing them down.
Instead of being rescuer become a Coach. This would have to be the one I struggle with the most in any relationship I have. I want to just swoop and help the people I care about but that’s not always the best thing. You can still be a helping factor but you allow them to do the work for themselves. Asking them questions to help with the process no matter what it maybe. You give supportive words and let them know they can get through it. Doing less of the work for them doesn’t mean that you love them any less.
If your relationship is worth making it work and you both are willing to put in the effort this will help a lot. You have to acknowledge the behavior and make a conscious effort to break the cycle. This is not only for your significant others but also family and work life can also benefit. Take the time to have a conversation about moving in the direction of forming healthy habits and maintaining positivity.
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