Phillip and Rondalyn Abode stand out as an extraordinary Black couple, their love story transcending conventional narratives. Over the course of 23 years, they have built a bond of companionship, celebrating 21 years of marriage characterized by unwavering commitment and resilience in the face of unique challenges. What sets their narrative apart is their exceptional dedication to nurturing their love amidst the complexities of raising two (possibly three) disabled children. Simultaneously, they co-founded Crossover Community Impact (CCI), a non-profit organization that serves as a testament to the transformative power of divine love. This initiative is a product of their shared passion for revitalizing North Tulsa. Let’s dive into a recent interview as they share what makes their marriage work and much more.
Share with us briefly how you met?
Rondalyn: We met in college. I had just broken up with my ex-boyfriend and prayed to God while coming out of the Student Union, asking him to show me my husband. Not even a minute later, I looked up and saw Philip going to the building late, just like I was. That was my sign that he was the one. I told a mutual friend to ask him to holler at me, and he approached me in the cafeteria and said, “Hi.” That wasn’t what I expected, so we didn’t have our first real conversation until we both attended a party organized by Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc. We had our first dance, and the rest is history.
What do you feel makes marriage work today?
Philip and Rondalyn: What has worked for our marriage is deciding to take divorce off the table from the beginning and commit to working through the tough times together. We also participated in premarital counseling, which was extensive and helped us answer many questions before getting married. Most importantly, it takes God being at the center of the relationship; that alone helps us get through difficult times and hold a standard of commitment to each other. Being on the same page is crucial to a happy marriage, and we have continued to work on our companionship and understanding of each other as we both evolve after becoming a family in 2002.
In what ways do you communicate to make sure the other feels heard and seen?
Phillip and Rondalyn: Communication is vital to our success in our marriage. We’ve invested a lot in practical tools like the speaker-listener technique, learning each other’s love language, and agreeing to say exactly what we need. Our needs change with each iteration of our marriage, and we learn to communicate them effectively.
Rondalyn: During the season when Phillip was diagnosed with cancer and had a child with seizures, I had to communicate that I just needed a nap, and we were able to solve the issue through the support of some of the mothers at our church.
Phillip: We listen to each other to understand and not just to reply, and we use the speaker-listener technique to slow things down. We know the difference between understanding and agreeing. We also have a couple we turn to for insight and wisdom on refreshing our communication.
How do you keep the love alive or as most would say the flame burning in your marriage?
Phillip and Rondalyn: We keep the flame burning by prioritizing our relationship and companionship with regular date nights or days to avoid being “the Butler and the maid.” We communicate our needs and desires to each other, even the awkward ones. We protect our time together as a couple and recently started scheduling regular vacations without our children to invest in us as a couple.
Phillip: We waited until marriage to bring sex into our relationship, which allowed us to build our foundation on companionship. We have boundaries in place to ensure our marriage stays strong, such as not cultivating close relationships with people of the opposite sex, especially being a pastor with a church full of women. Setting boundaries is crucial to maintaining a healthy and hot relationship.
Do you feel social media has positive or negative influence on marriages today?
Phillip: Social media can be negative if couples don’t set boundaries. Especially when couples may start comparing their mate based on the highlights others post on social media. If not careful, social media allows couples to check in on old flames. We agree on not cultivating close relationships with people of the opposite sex and not being friends with exes on social media.
Rondalyn: Social media can also be positive when used to encourage, educate, and inspire healthy relationships.
There is a rise in divorces, what do you feel that comes from?
Rondalyn and Phillip: We believe the rise in divorces comes from a lack of commitment and healthy boundaries. Many people are not well prepared for marriage or life, and when difficult situations arise, they blame their marriage instead of realizing that it’s just a part of life. More couples should allow the Lord to build their houses, which is a firm foundation. We caution against idolizing marriage and expecting each other to meet all our needs. Many societal factors make it hard for marriages to last, but having a firm foundation in the Lord can help.
How do you both plan to spend Valentine’s Day? In what ways do you make the holiday special each year?
Philip: We don’t make a big deal out of Valentine’s Day itself because we celebrate the anniversary of their first date a few days later. This year marks the 25th anniversary of our first date. We usually go to the restaurant where we had our first date to celebrate, but it is closed. We will be finding a new restaurant to celebrate this year. Rondalyn’s love language is receiving gifts, so even though we don’t do something special on Valentine’s Day, I will still give her a gift.
Rondalyn: I plan to surprise Philip with little heart-shaped sticky love notes and a gift I already purchased. My love language is receiving and giving gifts, so I’m always excited to do that.
So many have a timeline for when they should be married. What advice do you have for those tired of waiting for that moment to happen?
Rondalyn: I advise singles not to rush into any relationship but to allow them time to meet the best-fit person. I would go further to say wait on the Lord and allow him to guide you through the process.
Philip: I suggest that singles set proper standards and maintain them. This way, they know they are waiting to not settle for less. We believe that if you seek God’s way and do things right, all things, including the mate that fits your standards, will be added to you.
Do you believe that love can be found at any age?
Phillip and Rondalyn: Singles can rest assured that love can be found at any age.
How do you both handle difficult times whether it’s financial issues or personal matters?
Philip and Rondalyn: We handle difficult times on our knees in prayer, with a supportive community and each other’s support. It’s us against the world; no matter what comes our way, we work together. Having children with disabilities causes difficult times quite frequently, but we communicate what we need from each other and are committed to embracing life’s challenges. Again, our strong foundation in the Lord is the core of navigating through tough times. Romans 8:28 is our staple scripture: “All things work together for the good of those who love God, to them who are called according to his purpose.”
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